August 10, 2012
I want to write a Dream Dictionary or a book about Dream Interpretation because apparently any idiot can crank one out, fill it with bullshit, and make money as gullible magical-thinking idiots actually line up to pay someone else to tell them what they are thinking in their own brains. My Dream Interpretation book will be purposefully unsettling and designed to make people who need books about dreams afraid to fall asleep and dream.
I will ask five questions of every dream.
1 - Were you naked or clothed?
2 - Was the dream set in the past, present, or future?
3 - Were there wolves in your dream? Are you sure? Maybe in the background?
4 - Did any of the background characters of your dream make reference to what a lousy job it is to hang out in the brain of an idiot because they are so mentally feeble that they can’t even imagine enough people to fill a restaurant or a firing squad.
5 - Did you eat or drink anything in your dream?
By the end of my book, I want to convince people that they are glimpsing a future filled with intelligent wolves that draw sustenance from people’s dreams, that everyone will be naked or dead, and that dreams are merely a scam that didn’t actually exist until the 1930s, when actors’ unions became powerful enough to enforce their existence through the sales of over the counter medications and phonographs, replaced nowadays with Nyquil and iPods.
I will also market, under a different pseudonym, a friendlier Dream Dictionary that will attempt to explain to people that all dreams are nice, everyone likes them, they are creative, and that there are no such things as wolves or Nyquil.